From Fear to Fearless: Stop Saying “You Can Do It” — Try This Instead

张涛老师

From Fear to Fearless: Stop Saying “You Can Do It” — Try This Instead

Parents, do you often encounter situations like this?




Don’t rush to get upset—this is likely not your child “being lazy,” but rather that the gap between their current ability and the challenge is too large.

They preemptively assume they will fail, which leads to a fear of difficulty. If parents only keep saying “You can do it,” children may feel misunderstood and even develop resistance.

Why Do Children Fear Difficult Problems?

i.Fear of Failure
The root cause of avoidance is that children believe they will definitely fail, so they avoid trying to prevent being rejected.
  

ii.Children Underestimating Themselves
Limited experience and ability make children feel “I can’t do it,” naturally leading to avoidance.
   

iii.Lack of Confidence
Confidence is not something shouted out loud—it is built through repeated experiences of “I did it!”
   

iv.Dependency Mindset
When facing difficulties, children tend to rely on others and lack the courage to face challenges independently.
   

v.Parents’ “Curse of Competence”
What seems easy to parents may feel like an extremely difficult exam to children. If parents casually say, “This is simple,” children may feel ignored or misunderstood, which can lead to resistance.

Why “More Encouragement” From Parents Sometimes Backfire?

      

i.Misjudging Task Difficulty
What adults see as easy may be overwhelming for children. Casual remarks like “This is simple” can make children feel rejected, prompting resistance: “It’s simple for you because you know it, but I don’t.”
   

ii.Increasing Pressure Unknowingly
“You can definitely do it” is meant as trust from parents but may sound like heavy expectations to children. The more they fear disappointing you, the more they avoid trying—especially perfectionist children.
   

iii.Emotional Support Without Practical Help
“Come on, you can do it!” may provide temporary motivation but doesn’t bridge the skill gap. When children truly don’t know how, such encouragement only makes them feel parents can’t help.

More Effective Approaches Beyond Encouragement

      
i.Prioritize emotions: acceptance and empathy
Children need to feel understood before they lower their defenses to try.

• ❌ Don’t say: “What’s there to be afraid of?”
• ✅ Instead say: “You feel this problem is too hard, right? I felt the same way when I was young.”
  

This “I get you” resonance helps dissolve resistance and encourages cooperation.
      

ii. Shift mindset: failure is not the end

• Replace “I can’t” with “I don’t know yet” to reduce negative language and boost confidence.
• Praise effort and process, not just results, e.g., “You focused for five minutes—that’s great.”
  

Parents’ attitude toward failure directly influences children’s courage and persistence. Sharing personal stories of learning from failure helps children develop a healthy mindset, reduce fear, and face challenges bravely.
     

iii. Break Down Tasks: Lower the Starting Difficulty
Children’s confidence grows from repeated successes, so the starting point must be manageable.

• Divide big tasks into smaller steps that can be completed one by one. For example, 15 + 27 → first add 15 + 20, then add 7.
• Start with what they can do before tackling new challenges to build confidence.
• Once children experience “I can solve this,” their resistance will be lessens next time.
  

      

iv. Provide Supporting Method, Not Just Cheering Them Up

• “Watch me do it”: Demonstrate problem-solving steps out loud, e.g., solving a math problem.
• “You try, I help”: Offer clues instead of answers, e.g., “Can you check if the ones place is enough to subtract?”
• “You do, I watch”: Gradually let the child do it independently.This helps children learn how to solve problems rather than just knowing they have to solve them, fostering true independence.
  

            

The Ultimate Goal: Teach Children to Coexist with Challenges

Our aim is not to eliminate children’s fear of difficulty, but to help them shift from:

• “I can’t” → “I haven’t learned yet”
• “I’m afraid” → “I can try”
  
  

When goals are broken down, methods clarified, and emotions accepted, children naturally move from retreating to willing to take the first step. A small success becomes a snowball of confidence and courage.
     
Brave little warriors are not born—they are shaped slowly through repeated challenges. Instead of repeatedly shouting encouragement, stand beside your child and pave the first step for them. Remember—methods and companionship matter more than just “You can do it” for helping children truly succeed.

Quick formula for parents:
Understand emotions > Provide methods > Lower difficulty > Accompany until willing to try
Encouragement is only the seasoning, not the main course.